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DrUNKen_MoNkEy's Blog

DrUNKen_MoNkEy

DrUNKen_MoNkEy

Age: 35
Gender: Male
Location: Socal, CA

Member Since: 04/13/2004

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Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Things Women Say



(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . that will bring on a 'whatever').

(8) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying UP YOURS!

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.


Public | 11:51 AM | Props (0) | Comments (0)

Thursday, May 1, 2008

TECHNOLOGY


3 men, a German, a Japanese and a Mexican were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The german pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. "That was my pager," he said, "I have a micro chip under the skin of my arm." A few minutes later a phone rang. The japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a micro chip in my hand." The Mexican felt decidedly low tech, but not to be outdone he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his butt. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him. The Mexican finally said, "Ay Dios Mio, will you look at that? I'm getting a fax!


Public | 3:26 PM | Props (2) | Comments (1)

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Have you ever...




HAVE YOU EVER HAD TO SHIT SO BAD THAT.............

1. YOU CRAMP SO BAD YOU BEND OVER?.

2. YOU SQUEEZED YOUR BUTT CHEEKS TOGETHER?.

3. YOU STARTED PRARIE-DOGGING....LOL?.

4. YOU STAINED YOUR UNDERWEAR?.

5. YOU PANIC AND STARTED SWEATING?.

6. YOUR EYES WATERED?.

7. YOU GRASPED ANYTHING IN SITE CAUSE THE PAIN WAS TO MUCH TO BARE?.

8. YOU THOUGHT IF THAT WAS ANYWHERE CLOSE TO HAVING A BABY YOU'D DIE IF YOU DID?.

9. YOUR BUTT GOT SORE?.

10. YOU DROPED IT SO FAST THAT THE TOILET WATER SPLASHED ON YOUR ASS? LOL.

11. YOU RAN BOWLEGGED TO DA RESTROOM?.

12. YOU STARTED BLAMING EVERYTHING YOU ATE THAT DAY?.

13. YOU SAT AN EXTRA 10 MINUTES AFTER FINISHED ON THE TOILET TO GET YOURSELF TOGETHER?.

14. YOU WALKED OUT DA RESTROOM AND RAN BACK IN 2 MINUTES LATER AND ASKED YOURSELF "WHY ME? LOL.

15. YOU HAD NO TOILET PAPER AND WALKED YOUR DIRTY ASS TO DA OTHER RESTROOM?.

16. YOU RAN TO DA RESTROOM JUST TO DISCOVER YOU HAD TO FART?.

17. YOU CLOGGED UP THE TOILET? AND THEN SAID...DAMN NO CHINESE FOOD FOR AWHILE?.

18. YOU COULD ACTUALLY BARF AT THE SAME TIME?.

19. YOU WALKED IN THE RESTROOM EVEN THOUGH SOMEONE WAS IN THE SHOWER AND SAID SORRY MAN I GOTTA SHIT!!.

20. YOU THOUGHT YOUR BUTT WHOLE WAS NEVER GONNA BE THE SAME AGAIN?.

21. YOU SAW DA SIZE AND WAS IN AMAZE, SO YOU CALLED YOUR FRIENDS TO COME LOOK?.

22. STARTED PRYING FOR THE PAIN TO GO AWAY?.

AND THE BEST FOR LAST.

23.... HAVE YOU EVER HAD TO SHIT SO BAD YOU LOOKED AT YOUR SHIT AND SAID "HOLD UP I DIDN'T EAT CORN TODAY" LMFAO!! JAJAJAJA.


Public | 12:35 PM | Props (2) | Comments (1)

Thursday, November 29, 2007

Toilet humor


The Complete Guide to pooing at work Author unknown.......
HOW TO POO AT WORK

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in
our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we
try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POO is inevitable. For those
who hate pooing at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump
at work.

CROP DUSTING
When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in
your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came
from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been
expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY
The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in and check for
other pooers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back
again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become
suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE
A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop
in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment.
If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen.
If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not
hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved.
Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK
When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is
usually a side effect of diarrhoea or a hangover. If this should happen, do
not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare
everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poo hits the water. This
reduces the amount of air time the poo has to stink up the bathroom. This
can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk
up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in
and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not
exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER
A colleague who poos at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an
Out Of The Closet Pooer enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine
under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The
Closet Pooer before entering the bathroom.

THE POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooing goes off
without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out
Of The Closet Pooers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS
A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect
visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will
reduce the odds of a pooer of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR
Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force
the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that
can occur when taking a poo at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall
until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye
contact.

CAMO-COUGH
A phoney cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are
in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential
Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE
A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are
occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If
you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooer can poo in
peace.

WATERMELON
A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is
also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a
diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELETTE
A case of diarrhoea that creates series of loud splashes in the toilet
water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using Camo-Cough with an
Astaire.

LOOK OUT BELOW:
This is performed by unrolling a few feet of toilet paper and letting
it fall into the toilet before a poo begins. The happy result is you can
safely deal with WATERMELONS and most HAVANA OMELETTES without the annoying
side effect of loud noise and the all-too shocking splash of cold toilet
water back on your butt. This will need to be repeated several times, if
necessary, so it should always be combined with the COURTESY FLUSH.

UNCLE TED
A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended
lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted
makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait
to poo when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other
bathroom attendees. Most Uncle Teds are encountered in the last minutes of
lunchtime and during morning and afternoon break times. Try to avoid these.


Public | 11:33 PM | Props (0) | Comments (0)

Thursday, November 29, 2007

Husband Store


A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where
a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the
entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the
store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men
increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a
catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose
to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the
building!



So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.



On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have
jobs.



The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love
kids.



The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids,
and are extremely good looking.



"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.



She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have
jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.



"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it"



Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men
have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework,
and have a strong romantic streak.



She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign
reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are
no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are
impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
LMAO SO TRUE!!!!!!


Meanwhile, a "New Wives Store" opened across the street.



The first floor has wives that love sex.



The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.



The third through sixth floors have never been visited.

1ST FLOOR WOULD HAVE BEEN A PLUS,BUT CANT GO WRONG WIT SEX AND CASH



Public | 11:32 PM | Props (0) | Comments (0)

Thursday, November 29, 2007

Management lesson


Barry wanted to screw a girl in his office ...But she had a boyfriend... One day Barry got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, "I'll give you a $1000 dollars if you let me screw you."

But the girl said "NO WAY!"

Barry said, "I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, I'll be finished by the time you pick it up"

She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend ... So she called her boyfriend and told him the story.

Her boyfriend says "Tell him it's $2000 dollars, then pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down!"

So she agrees and accepts the proposal.

Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call.  Finally after 45 mins the boyfriend calls and asks "What happened?"...

She said "The bastard used coins!!"

Management lesson:

Always consider a business proposal in it's entirety before agreeing to it preventing ending up being screwed!




Public | 11:32 PM | Props (2) | Comments (1)

Thursday, November 29, 2007

Bubba


Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue
needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best
friends, Cooter and Gomer. The three men had always done everything
together.



Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet,
Cooter said, "Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him
over." The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, Nope, isn't
Bubba."



The mortician thought this was rather strange. So he brought Gomer in to
confirm the identity of the body.Gomer looked at the body and said,
"Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over." The mortician rolled
him over and Gomer said, "No, it isn't Bubba."



The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had
two assholes." "What? He had two assholes?" asked the mortician. Yup,
we never seen em, but everybody used to say, "There's Bubba with them
two assholes.



Public | 3:26 PM | Props (0) | Comments (0)

Thursday, September 6, 2007

SWEET STORY


A couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back." Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife. "I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face. I'm going to have a beer." The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries:Germany,Holland,Japan,India, etc. The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes,Lollipop.... but at the bar...you know... they have frozen glasses... " He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it. The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious...I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise...OK?" "You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and pork strips. "But my sweet honey...at the bar....you know, there's swearing, dirty words and all that..." "You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? "LISTEN UP DICKHEAD! SIT DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR DAMN BEER IN YOUR DAMN FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR FRICKING HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO A FRICKING BAR! THAT SHIT IS OVER...GOT IT, ASSHOLE?" ....and, they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story


Public | 8:14 PM | Props (0) | Comments (0)

Thursday, September 6, 2007

THE PATIENT


A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir, I am only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir." The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly ... "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely ... "A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?"


Public | 8:12 PM | Props (0) | Comments (0)

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Pure Gold!!



Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.


Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.


Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.


Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.


Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball


Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. ! They spray paint X 's on the back of the sheep that kick!


Q.Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it!


Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.


Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.


Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.


Q.What is the difference between "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah"?
A. About three inches.


Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.


Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.


Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.


Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.


Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.


Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.


Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.


Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A . They don't have balls to scratch!




Public | 2:44 PM | Props (6) | Comments (3)

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